I am not someone who is spontaneous. I think through everything as much as I can before I do anything in regards to it. When I am spontaneous I regret my decisions, so I hate it. This makes me seem very serious, which I am. Right now I am on a very thin line between running back to being super shielded with my parents and going to complete other way and relaxing my convictions and my standards. I am terrified about being so close to either side and not knowing what I want to do. Part of me wants to run back to the safety of my parents and their friends yet I can't. I will never be able to stand up for my morals at bible school if I can't while I'm still at home and only see the people a few days a week. The verse in 1Peter about God slowing trials and temptations into our lives to make our faith secure is definitely what I feel is going on right now. I don't know what to do yet I feel God pushing me forward farther into this confusion so that I may be able to stand tall for Him while I'm at bible school. It's so stressful being on the tight-rope. At the same time I know I'm not going to fall because God holds my heart and He will never let me fall. I am not doing any of this on my own. The last fee weeks of my life have been completely survived because He has been leading me and holding me up.
I know that God is all I need and I feel no conviction in my heart that tells me that I am lying to myself. I have been in my bible more that I have been and more seriously than I have ever been. It is directly affecting my life. I wake up and I feel that I need to read the Bible or else I will drown in all that is happening I my life. God's is definitely my life line but why do I feel as if I am walking on my own? I am in this weird state of knowing I'm not doing any of this on my own yet feeling like I am doing it all on my own with God watching to see how I will do. I wonder if this is how Job felt.
I'm having to rely on God for everything, my confidence, my guidance, my road map (literally), my protection, my wisdom, my healing, my everything. Seriously, if I didn't have Him right now I would be drowning yet I feel secure and confident enough because I feel God holding me up in a eyre strange way. I see His hand in every day and every time I am around people from church. He is opening me up before the church and it terrifies me. I have become so good at hiding who I am to certain people but He giving me no chance to allow that to happen. It is absolutely terrifying and humbling.
I have asked for God to use me for a very long time and now that He is I am left not knowing what to do but hold onto Him. This, I guess, is a very good place to be and it's where He uses us it's just not what I thought it would be. If this is how the missionaries feel all the time it's no wonder they all died of some stomach issue. It feels as if I am growing ulcers as a full time job. I've never been so nervous yet so peaceful at the same time before. I am totally out of my comfort zone and I have to clue what to do. I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea where God is taking or where He is going to have me tomorrow. Lately most of the time I don't even know where to drive yet He tells me and it has a theme. What it means I am still unsure. It seems as if that's where God wants me; not knowing where He is taking me, being completely pulled out of my comfort zone yet never being taken somewhere wrong.
If this is what following God and going where He leads all the time feels like I like it yet hate and fear it at the same time and equally. It is so confusing yet I am good.
It feels like I am just along for the ride and the ride is a roller coaster. My stomach feels like I'm on a roller coaster too. I love it all though. I am so confused right now. I feel like one giant anonmoly. I thirst and hunger for wisdom and I feel as if I should be at the church all the time. I've never been like this before.
