Perfection or Enjoyment

It's amazing how much of a failure I feel that I am when I think that I have to do everything myself: Things ranging from designing our barn to my devotions. I put so much pressure on myself to do it all perfectly that I forget to enjoy it and serve those around me.

Today I went to ride my horse Jesse and I went in thinking that I would tell the trainer that I wanted to bring her home to our new farm because I was ready and it cost too much, but in all honesty the reason I wanted to was because I had allowed myself to take the pressure and responsibility of training her completely upon my shoulders. I forgot that it was God's responsibility and that He knows exactly what her and I need. I no longer trusted anyone else with her training and then I allowed the money factor blind me to my true motives.

Also I forgot that God promised that He would supply the funds that I need to go to Sweden and that I could enjoy my horse and the training and lessons her and I receive where she is at. I have been allowing the fear of not having enough for Sweden to consume me and cause me to hoard all my money. This has lead to a ginourmous stressful burden to fall onto my shoulders and cause me to think of what money I had constantly instead if God and how He always provides. Stress is very emotionally and physically draining.

All this applying of pressure left me emotionally wasted and spent. Fighting for sleep but never wining it.  So much so that today almost got ruined by it when the day was actually one of the best I have had in a long time. My ride on Jesse was the best I have ever had in the whole time I've ridden horses (in my memory at least) and the visit to our new farm to check it out without its blanket of snow showed us how faithful God is! There is much less work and much more room than any of us thought possible. Also the young horse at work got better from his cold today as well! So despite my emotional exhaustion I choose to say and know that today was truly an amazing day :)

God showed me today that when I remember to smell the beautiful flowers that He has planted to show His love for me, my days are much more enjoyable. Jesus took on the pressure to be perfect in everything so that those who choose to live in Him can be free from such pressures. We must remember this when Satan tries to convince us that it is our responsibility to be perfect. We just need to live in His love (includes His will)  for us and He will provide everything

Handing over the Reins

Over the past few days God has been destroying my pride. A pride that leads me to believe that I can get myself out of a mess if I use enough Bible verses and believe hard enough. But that truth is, I can't. Shocking!

I don't know how many times I have been told, and that I have convinced myself, that it is my job to clean my heart out and to use the Word of God to do it. It leaves me exhausted, frustrated and grumpy with those around me. Not exactly the shining light I want to be, but once again that statement and desire comes from a heart of pride as well (more on that later). You see, when we try to clean ourselves out we are no longer looking to Jesus to be our sanctifier and redeemer, we are looking to ourselves. We are no longer laying ourselves at His feet. Just like the Pharisees.

The Pharisees obeyed that law to a "T" but they were doing it all on their own. The pride that causes this mindset also causes us to judge those around us by thinking, "If I can do that, why can't they? They just need to work harder and read that Bible more or come to church more etc." While reading the Bible and going to church are good things, they can destroy us if we are doing them for the wrong reasons. The Bible shows us the character of Christ and how HE desires to shape us. Our time in the Word of God should be to learn more about the Christ we are following, not a self-help manual to become the perfect Christian.

God uses my weak flesh to show me how powerless I am against it on my own. He allows lustful temptations to enter my head (something I struggle with) in order to grow my dependancy on His power and redeeming grace. I fight and fight the fantasies that I entertain in my head with Bible verses and lots of prayers but all of that is me trying to clean my own heart out. My prayers would be along the line of "God give me the strength to overcome this" and not asking God to overcome them for me. In Psalm 51 David realizes that God only is the One who can clean his heart of the murder and adultery that he committed

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" Psalm 51:10 (NASB)

he knew he couldn't do it himself. God alone can take captive the thoughts that defy Him in our heads, we just need to be broken for them.

"[Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One), " (Emphasis added) 2 Corinthians 10:5 (AMP)

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." Psalm 51:17 (NASB)